I have a feeling some of you may relate to my current state of mind, so some advice would be very much appreciated.
I am not depressed per se. I have more good days than not, especially when I'm at college.
I just recently started using drugs (cannabis, LSD on occasion, kava, piracetam, more in the future). Drugs have opened up an entirely new, truer sense of self than I've ever had. I think very deeply about the universe, my life, humanity, etc., and I like that.
Although I am socially apt and very much capable of succeeding in American capitalist society, I simply don't want that lifestyle. Why am I supposed to do one thing with the rest of my life? Why am I supposed to marry someone and start a family? Every time I ask myself: what is happiness to me? the answer never resembles typical American life.
My experiences with drugs have me constantly wondering these two things:
1. What am I 'supposed' to do with my life?
2. What is happiness to me?
Given that I am not at all religious, and that I don't believe my life or anyone's life has any ultimate significance, the logical conclusion is that I'm not meant to do with anything with my life, but of course that is unsatisfactory.
The burden to find happiness or purpose in life is solely on MY shoulders, and I'm alone in this vast universe when it comes to finding what fulfills me on the deepest level. I am not really referring to a career. I am referring to a lifestyle, or state of mind, or a person, or anything that brings that fulfillment
This is very disheartening for me. Despite the many people I could interact with day to day, and despite having a broad spectrum of talents I could apply to the real world, I'm left here, at the young age of 18, without a compass, wondering what in the hell I am 'supposed' to do to feel that sense of purpose and fulfillment that I envy so much in strongly religious people. I have a ton of time to do more soul searching, of course, but I'd like to die at whatever age with a sense of peace and completeness about my existence.
I'm interested in what others here have done to find their sense of purpose or fulfillment in life. What led you to such answers? Have you found your answers? What is happiness to you?
Any other advice would be much appreciated.
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- Join Date
- Jan 2011
Most of us become confused about societies expectations, and about the life we want to live and how we should live it.
I'm 20 and am in college as well. I am equally as confused with which direction I want to take. Like you, I am turning away from the typical 40-60 hour a day full time job/career. To me it is very unappealing.
Why, as an adult, would you want to work the whole week from morning till night, just so you can have a free day or two a week? (for years on end).
My dad has a pretty cool job. He is a chief meteorologist at the most prestigious and most watched news station in the district, and as the boss he pretty much gets a week off from work each month. And most of the time, that week off is spent on a fully-paid business trip to somewhere in America, the Caribbean, or Europe. He has a lot of free time and is lucky.
I have a lot of good, positive days. But some days I take a look at myself, at my capabilities and my strengths, and sometimes I will get very sad and frustrated because I don't know where I fit into the world. I'm 20 years old. I'm not young anymore, people I graduated high school with will be graduating with bachelor degrees when their 22. I'm behind because I had a few life crisis that I had to deal with, but now that's not an excuse now that I'm in a very comfortable and relaxed point in my life with no other responsibilities besides probation and school (5 classes this semester).
I want to live my life with a lot of leisure, with a lot of time being able to experience the world and live life to the fullest. To experience as many fun/adventurous/ and amazing things as I can. I then made the connection, that if you have copious amounts of money, you can have copious amounts of free time. Also, copious amounts of money can also be the gateway to experiencing as many amazing things that this world has to offer. I was never obsessed with money before I made this connection, but after realizing that money is the gateway to experiencing everything this world has to offer, I decided that I want to spend my education being educated on how to make the most money.
Since last semester, I have dedicated myself to getting all business administration prerequisites. After my AA, I plan on getting accepted into a BA bachelors program, and after that, I plan on getting my MBA (masters in business administration). After graduation, I'm going to dedicate the rest of my youth to getting as much money as I can, not solely out of greed, but mostly out of a lust to be able to live a life of adventure, traveling to different places, vacationing to the carribean (already been to 6 countries in carribean + south America), experiencing everything I possibly can until I pass into the void, and my existence is forgotten.
I don't know if these ambitions are just one of my grandiose delusions I get during hypomania, I really don't know if it's an unattainable delusion or not, but in the present these ambitions feel real and they have given me the drive and motivation and the dedication to take my social status to a whole new level. During hypomania I know i can do it. I know it without a doubt. You might as well give me a ferrari and a mansion right now because I'll have it in a few years anyways. I just want whats coming to me.
I know an MBA isn't a for-sure ticket to wealth, I already have a master plan/scheme on what I will do to rise above once i have my MBA. I have a great plan
Damn, I rambled on a bit, I really get into stuff like this.
Anyways, Just explore yourself, explore your personality and your traits. Find your inner strengths, your dormant strengths. They are there, they just have to be found. Find a reason that you want to be alive, find a goal, so far above your head, that it seems like you will be forever striving towards it.
Last edited by Eyes On the Roll; 11-01-2011 at 06:10.
Here is some excellent advice. I started really thinking like this after my 3rd yr at University and still am. I know where I would like to be but cannot achieve the end. Health reasons - chronic pain - has fucked up my potential bigtime.
You should consider ...
1 - slow down. dont rush shit.
2. find yourself quiet time daily and think about what you have done today. What you will like to accomplish tomorrow. If you dont then move on.
3. Take life as it comes. Don't sweat the small shit.
4. maybe a journal may help too. write down what you want out of life and what you need to get there.
5. if you have a close friend or it will help as you can bounce ideas off of them .. I have lost all of mine due to new family , kids, my pain ~ no working connections, some ripped me off and are junkies, etc...
6. Travel - this will give you much perspective - I back packed all over Europe and it several spots in the Carib's .. it will open your mind.
Remember when the music stops you want to be left with a seat to sit down on so don't trust anyone totally with your most personal shit.
Theres more too, be yourself, dont let peple take asdvantage of you, this song might help:
ps. I dont believe in god. I was born disabled and say fuck the world like every hour. Be positive.
I'm not in the best place right now, so I don't know how much my history can be taken as a successful example. I felt the same lack of purpose and direction with my life. This led to years of defining myself and exploration, often through drugs, and living on my own in a different life away from my family and where I grew up. Through reclusion I found where I was comfortable was programming. Ketamine triggered this interest to be a super focus. Although nonreligious, I found a sense of higher purpose, like I was created solely for one reason. Emotional turmoil has caused me again to lose this strong compass but I felt like I was unique in having such a strong drive for a while. I hope to find it again. I can recommend time spent alone. Having so many distractions in life caused me to never have to think about myself. The time I spent alone over three years helped me know myself. You can tell when someone has found what you describe. Everything is done for a reason that they hold themselves, not what is just the next step. I definitely don't think you are alone. This is important to remember.
I could relate to pretty much each word you wrote, at least at some point in my life. You're questioning what you've been taught and that leads to a difficult period where you are looking for answers but can't find them. But this is a very good place to be, not everybody makes it to that. Now it's up to you to figure out your own path and what brings joy into your life. You realize that this won't come from society, so now what do you do about that?
Once you start to work through this and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you'll see just how much it was worth the initial period of discomfort. You can try to distract yourself and avoid the whole process, but it seems to continue whether you are willing or not, so I figure why not just give in to it instead of making it more difficult than necessary.
You mentioned that the only logical conclusion is not satisfactory. Just remember that this is not all about logic. Emotions and intuition are important. Logic has it's place but on it's own it will not guide you in the direction that will bring you a joyful life.
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
we all march to a different drum
i'm a lot older than you, and i still cant answer that...
it's not a good place to be so i truely wish you well and hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, whatever makes you happy, its only you that knows..
Your insight was actually insightful to ME.
Sorry, don't have the answers or much input to your questions.
But thanks for envoking some thought in me! (i'm currently 18 and the american 3kids and a day job type thing sounds... well, appauling.)